Social Life Sucks
by happiness theory
Summary: Random and Insane drabbles. Chappy 16: Tivo is really evil
1. Moms

Jaz: Muahahahahahahaha! Let the insaness BEGIN!!!

o - - - - - - - - - - o

Social Life Sucks

Chapter 1: Moms

Colonel Mustang was sitting at his desk doing his paperwork. It was quiet, and all he could hear was the little birdies outside singing and the scratching of the writing of his pencil.

He took his coffee mug and sipped his coffee slightly. "Mmm.." He said licking his lips with that coffee taste inside his mouth. He set his mug at the corner of his desk softly. "Nothing like working early in the morning.." He said almost in a happily humming tone.

And then.. it happened…

"Hey, Roy! ROY!!!" Hughes started running in hastily trying to catch his breath.

"What is it?" Roy said looking concerned.

"I FORGOT TO SHOW YOU THIS PICTURE OF ELISIA YESTERDAY!!" He yelled shoving a picture at Roy's face.

Roy twitched.

(Well boys and girls, I guess this here is the part where you see Roy snap! : D)

"HUGHES YOU FRABBIT SNABBI FRAGGIN WICKIN SHOW ME YUR FREAKIN RAGGLE FRAGGLE BLABB PICTURES AND RUIN MY FRAGGIN THRABBIT QUIET MORNING!!!!!" Roy started to catch his breath after saying so much in one sentence. A bead of sweat came down his face, but he still glared at Hughes furiously.

Hughes sweat dropped and took out a travel-sized dictionary and started skimming through it. "I'm sorry, Roy, but I have no darn clue what you said…"

Roy started going boiling red and steam started steaming out his ears and started to sound like a chooting train. (like in the cartoons! ) "GEEEET OOOUUUUT!!!!"

Hughes smirked. "Oooh, I see.. you're just jealous that I have a lovable beautiful family living in a big house, while you're just a grumpy old hobo!!" He started to laugh.

Roy's veins started throbbing so hard, he could have a heart attack.

"NOW, LISTEN HERE! JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE I LIVE DOESN'T MEAN I'M A HOBO!"

Hughes smirked. "If you probably don't live in the streets, you probably have to live with—oooh, I dunno—You're mom… perhaps?"

Roy was about to explode but instead, he smirked coolly. "Oooh, so you wanna talk about moms huh?"

Hughes blinked a couple of times.

"Well, you're mom is so fat that she takes up the world's air supply." Roy leaned back in his chair laughing triumphantly.

Hughes twitched. _So, that's how you wanna play, eh? "_Well, you're mom is so stupid, that she starved in a Grocery Store!"

Roy frowned and gritted his teeth. "Well,.. you're mom is so fat that—" Roy smirked. "You're mom is so fat, that she can't fit her clothes in her own drawers!"

Hughes started pointing at Roy. "Well, you're mom is so fat that she needs a butt-wiper to wipe her butt after going to the restroom each and every time!"

"Well, you're mom's butt is so hairy that it makes up The Yosemite National Park!" Roy retorted.

Hughes shifted his eyes. "Uhm.. that's not true!!"

"Ah ha! SO I WIN!" Roy started to stand up on his desk.

"Not in a million years, Mama's boy!" Hughes yelled.

Roy jumped off his desk and started going head to head, eye to eye, at Hughes. "Say that to my face, Grandpa!"

"I said, 'Not in a Million Years, Mama's boy!" Hughes repeated.

"THIS IS WAAAAARRR!!!!!!!!!!!"

For at least a half an hour, Hughes and Roy started arguing about their moms. Shortly after, Hawkeye came in with a cup of coffee and her paperwork. "Oh boy… I knew this would happen.." She sweat dropped seeing Hughes and Roy argue like very violent politicians.

Hawkeye placed her things neatly on top of her desk and walked over to Roy and Hughes.

"You're mom is so stupid, she doesn't know how to get around her house!"

"Well, you're mom is sooo stupid that she had an affair with George W. Bush!!!"

Riza smiled. _It's about moms, eh?_

Before anyone of the two men could say another word, Riza started to shout.

"**YOU'RE GUYS' MOMS ARE SO FAT THAT WHEN SHE FARTS, SHE TRIGGERS A NUCLEAR EXPLOSION AND DESTROYS THE PLANET AT THE SPEED OF ONE TRILLION MILES PER MINUTE AND RIPS A FABRIC OF TIME AND DESTROYS THE SPACE TIME CONTINUEUM!!!!!!!!!**"

Roy and Hughes looked at Riza shockingly and blinked a couple of times.

After moments of meaningless silence, they all went back to their working areas and continued a long peaceful day!

And they lived Happily Ever After..

The End!

Jaz: Please RnR!!! ;-;


	2. Minty Freshness

Social Life Sucks

Chapter 2: Minty Freshness

Yup, tonight was the night! Roy was going on a date with Riza. Roy couldn't decide whether or not he should keep his hair messy or comb it back. After an hour of deciding, he kept his hair messy. (AN: Yaaay!)

"How do I look?" Roy said walking out of the restroom in a black tux that came straight from the cleaners.

"You look great!" Maria commented.

Roy looked at Havoc waiting for a reply.

"I envy you…" Havoc muttered with this evil glare.

Roy scratched his head. "I guess I'll take that as a compliment.." He turned to Fuery. "And you?"

"Excellent, sir!" Fuery said.

Roy crouched down to Black Hayate. "What do you think my little human-slave?" He said in a coochy-coo voice.

Suddenly, a green eery smell seeped out from Roy's mouth and Black Hayate inhaled it.

The poor little puppy fell down… dead.

"PUPPY!" Fuery started to cradle the dead dog in his arms. He glared at Roy. "YOU MURDERER!!!"

Roy scooted away. "WHAT I DO?"

Breda tapped Roy's shoulder. "Uhm, sir.. I think it's you're breath…" He put a clothes pin on his nose. "It reeks…"

"My breath? THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH MY BREATH!!" Roy yelled. He then took a nearby Edward from out of nowhere.

They were looking at each other eye-to-eye.

"Mustang.. us being so awfully close is making me uncomfortable.." Ed pointed out.

"Shut up, boy.." Roy demanded. "Now, answer this question and answer it honestly: Does my breath stink?"

Ed quirked an eyebrow. "Now that's a stupid que—" Ed inhaled the green eery gas. "que—que—" He started to gag and he turned purple.

Roy blinked. "uuuh…. Ed.."

Ed fell to the floor trying to breathe. Everyone else just stared at him squirming around doing nothing.

Silence.

"Well…. He seemed pretty honest…" Breda finally commented.

Roy started to panic. "What am I gonna do about me breath!? I can't Riza smell it and—"

"Die?" John finished his comment.

Roy glared. "I was thinking something LESS severe.."

"What now?" Breda said.

Everyone thought and pondered.

Then, a light bulb flashed over Maria's head. "I got an idea! I saw this from a commercial!"

"What?" Everyone asked.

Maria took out a little paper thing.

Everyone quirked an eyebrow. (except Fuery who was too busy mourning over Black Hayate's death)

"Uhm.. a piece of paper?" Roy guessed. Maria's smile faded. "You've never seen these before? They're soo popular and I use it all the time!"

Everyone exchanged looks.

Maria sighed and rolled her eyes. "They're called Rip-n-Slips! I'll show you how to use it in 4 easy steps!!" She held up 4 fingers up.

"Rip!" Maria opened the paper and took out a Rip-n-Slip.

"Slip!" Maria placed the rip-n-slip in her index finger.

"Brush!" Maria started brushing her teeth with the Rip-N-Slips.

"Aaah!" A fresh minty smell filled up the room from Maria's mouth.

"Ooooh!" Everyone ooed-and-aawed.

"Isn't that easy? Now everyone, you try!" Maria handed everyone a rip and slip.

"Rip! Slip! Brush! Aaah!" Everyone's teeth became shiny.

"Rip! Slip! Brush! Aaah!"

"Rip! Slip! Brush! Aaah!"

They started doing the Rip-N-Slip thing throughout the hallway.

"Rip! Slip! Brush! Aaah!"

Winry walked by brushing her teeth with a regular toothbrush.

"Rip! Slip! Brush! Aaah!"

Winry threw her toothbrush behind her shoulder and took a Rip-N-Slip out and joined in with everyone.

"Rip! Slip! Brush! Aaah!"

After a while of the "Rip! Slip! Brush! Aaah!" thing, Roy exhaled his breath to a plant.

The plant remained alive.

"I'm cured!" Roy jumped up and hit his heels together.

"Uhm, sir, that was a plastic plant…" Maria corrected him.

"Oh," Roy walked over to a REAL PLANT and exhaled his breath to it. Shortly after, it grew roses on it.

"Now, I'm cured!"

Everyone left leaving a gagging Edward on the floor behind.

Meanwhile at Olive Garden.

"Oh, Roy, I expected dinner, but not in a fancy place like this!" Riza said in a sexy voice quite surprised. She was wearing her hair down and wore a glittery red dress.

Roy smiled and blushed. "Anything for you, Riza…"

Riza blushed."Why, Roy—" Riza inhaled an eery green smell. She started fanning the smell away with her hand. "Uhm, Roy, do you have a spray or mint cause.." She whispered privately to Roy. "..you're breath stinks."

Roy dug into his pockets. _Uh-oh! _He turned them inside out. "I forgot my Rip-N-Slip…" He whimpered.

"What?" Riza was unaware of the situation.

"Uuh.." Before Roy could give out an explanation of his low hygiene, a waiter with a tray in his hand came by and said. "Sir, would you like a mint?" he offered a tray of mints to Roy.

"YES!" Roy eagerly took a handful and swallowed it immediately. The table started to smell like peppermint.

Riza gave her best smile. "Well, uhm, that was sort of weird…" She said. "But at least the table smells nice!"

Roy sighed in relief. "Uhm, pardon me, sir?" The waiter tapped Roy's shoulder.

"Did I do anything wrong?" Roy said. "Oh, and—uhm—sorry about the mints.."

"No.. it's not the mints, sir…" The waiter said. "It's something else.."

"Then, shoot.."

The Waiter kissed Roy passionately while he tried to squirm his way out of it. Roy pushed the waiter away. "ARE YOU CRAZY!? I HAVE A DATE!!!"

Riza stormed out. Roy ran out after her. "Noo! WAIT RIZA!!"

Edward continued to gag on the floor.

THE END!

AN: Sorry about the unnecessary yiao and all. The kissing thing, well, I got it from a commercial where this guy eats a mint, and a police officer pulls him over and kisses him.

And I bet you all know where I got the Rip-N-Slip thing don't you?

Lastly, the "Does my breath smell?" thing came from, Spongebob Squarepants!! (I gotta lay off the tv!!) O.o;


	3. Where?

Jaz: Thanks so much for you're kind reviews.. I'm sorry if it takes me a while to update…. D: Anyway.. I got this idea from another commercial!! XDD Hope you likies!! Oh ya! Since Final-FantasyChild has been giving me really nice reviews; I- Jasmine –dubb thee Final-FantasyChild to be Miss or Mister America (Since I don't know he/she's gender!)

FFChild: Uhm.. yay?

Social Life Sucks

Chapter 3: Where?

Maria was sitting on the bench waiting for the bus to come. She hummed a little made-up tune quietly to herself. "Hey, Maria!" Maria turned and smiled. It was Fuery. "Hello, Fuery," she greeted. "Hey, did you know that Mustang and Hawkeye made up?"

"What?! You mean he's not gay!?"

Maria rolled her eyes.

Fuery scratched his head. "Where'd you hear this?"

Maria grinned. "From Mustang himself, who else? He was so happy, he bragged about it! He was worse than Hughes!"

Fuery looked around. "Speaking of Hughes, where us he? He always comes to the bus stop before I do.." He spotted Hughes on the sidewalk in the distance. "Ah! Speak of the devil!"

Minutes later, Hughes reached the bus stop. "Hey guys! Morning!" He chimed. Fuery quirked an eyebrow. "Meh? Where's Mustang? Doesn't he walk with you to the bus stop after going to Starbucks?"

Hughes scratched his chin. "Now that you think about it… he said something about meeting Hawkeye to do something 'special'"

"Something special?" Maria and Fuery echoed.

"Uhm yeah.. I heard him pretty clearly…" Hughes pondered for a moment. "Oooh! By the way, do you want to see pictures of Elicia? They just got developed yesterday!!"

Maria and Fuery sweat dropped. "Uhm.. no thanks…"

Ed finally came along. "Hey guys, have you seen my Red Bull?"

"Red Bull? I prefer milk instead.." Maria laughed.

Ed fumed. "That's not funny!!"

Suddenly, a random military uniform jacket fell from the sky and landed on Ed's head. Familiar giggles filled the air.

"What the--? What was that about!?" Ed threw the uniform jacket on the sidewalk.

Another uniform jacket fell on Hughes shoulder. "Uhm… sorry, God, I already have one of these.." Hughes said.

Another round of familiar giggles were heard. "What in the world is going on!!!" Fuery screamed. Suddenly, a shirt fell on Fuery. Fuery took the shirt off his head and examined it. "Wait a minute! I gave this to Colonel Mustang on that Christmas Eve's party!!"

A giant red hair clip bounced off Hughes' head and landed on the ground. Hughes picked it up and examined it also. "Heey! I know this hair clip when I see one!! Isn't this suppose to be Hawkeye's??"

The voices started to moan in groan. Maria looked up, and her eyes widened. "Guys.. what ever you do, do NOT look up.."

And the three men did the obvious, they looked up. Their eyes widened as well, staring up in the sky in disbelief. "What the heck? Is that Mustang and Hawkeye floating in the sky, TOGETHER!?" A brown turtle neck shirt fell on Ed's face.

Fuery hesitated. "OH MY GOD! IT IS!!!" He caught two pairs of uniform pants in his arms.

"I am sooooo glad Elicia isn't here!!" Hughes said.

A pair of Spongebob boxers fell next to Fuery. Ed shielded his eyes. "AAH! MY EYES CAN'T TAKE THE REVEALINGNESS!"

A bra descended on Maria's lap. "Oh my.." She said pushing the bra slowly off her lap.

"SO THAT'S WHO TOOK MY RED BULL!" A thong landed on Edward's foot. "Kyaa!" He kicked it over to Hughes.

"Eeew!!" He kicked it over to Fuery who kicked it over to Edward and they kept on doing it like a pattern. (Sorta like Hot Potato except with a thong)

"WHAT HAS THIS WORLD COME TO!?"

Hughes kicked the thong in Fuery's face.

Finally, the bus stopped in front of them. Everyone rushed inside hastily, leaving Hawkeye and Mustang in the sky. ….

The next day, at the same time, Maria sat in the same spot on the same bench holding an umbrella up.. petrified.

Fuery came along. "Maria, why are you holding up an umbrella?"

"THE SKY IS FALLING!" She shouted out randomly.

Fuery thought back yesterday. "Oh."

Finally, Riza and Mustang came along as their usual selves. "Hello their, Fuery.." Mustang said in his usual monotonous voice.

Fuery backed away from them. Maria kept on twitching staring off somewhere.

Riza whispered in Mustang's ear. "I knew you shouldn't have stole Ed's Red Bull.."

Roy sighed.

Suddenly, a metal arm and a wrench fell from the sky. All was silent except the moaning voices of Ed and Winry.

"AAAAAAAAH!!!" Maria and Fuery ran away.

"What in the world?" Edward's red cloak descended on Roy's face who was looking up into the sky.

Riza looked behind the bench and smiled. "HERE'S MY THONG!!!" She lifted it up and started waving it around in the air.

Jaz: Hmm.. a little bit perverted… but it's a lot better than seeing yaio!!! (cringes at the thought) Anyway… it was a bit short and all.. I'm trying to type up some more but I don't know how to write them!! O.o;; Anyway, please R&R!!!


	4. Message Machine

Jaz: Anyway.. thank you so much for you're reviews!! XDDD I got this idea from the Final Fantasy VII stories and I sort of got inspired… So, this one is pretty stupid but please read it anyway!!

Anyhow, it took me a while to write this story cause I had to write it in a certain way… sux huh?

Lastly, could someone tell me what **so-so-chan, so-so-sama, gomen nasai, and kawii **mean? Im hearing it a lot on but I just don't get what it actually means.. O.o;; Anyhoo.. back to the story..

Social Life Sucks

Chapter 4: Message Machines

Ed and Al's Message Machine 

"Hi guys! We're not in right now!! Please leave a message after the beep!" A cat's mew was heard faintly in the background. "AL! GET RID OF THAT STUPID CAT!!!"

Al's voice was heard in a pleadingly state. "But brother… it needs a home.."

You hear a gunshot. "NOOOOO!!! KITTY!!!"

_Beeeeep! You have 3 new messages._

Message 1 

"Seven days…"

Message 2 

"Hello, mister, did you steal my kitty?"

Message 3 

"Hiya! It's you're ol' pal mini-mee!!! Me and Dr. Evil are doing great by the way… Anyhow, I hope you like those platform boots I gave you!! Bye!"

Havoc's Message Machine 

"Hey there. I'm sorta busy right now looking for chicks and stuff so please leave a message or ask me out. BYE!"

_Beeeeep! You have 2 new messages._

Message 1 

"Greetings. We are the Anti-Drug association and we're suing you."

Message 2 

"Hey, mister, are you on crack?"

Roy's Message Machine 

"Hello. This is Colonel Roy Mustang speaking. Please excuse my absence for right now… I am attending some 'personal' business. Please leave a message or call back again."

_Beeep! You have one new message(s)_

Message 1 

"Roy, dearie, this is you're mother speaking. I know that you're hormones have been heating up' lately and I have realized that you have been spending 'quality time' with several women such as..

Marie

Sally

Sara

Sandy

Clara

Anne

Mia

Anastasia

Gigi

Clarissa

Lor

Mariah

Sabrina

Christina

May

Siara

Jesse

Sam

Alex

Franky

Nicole

Jenny

You're Grandma

You're aunt Sara

You're other grandma who died already

Maureen

Angela

Me

You're other aunt Sara

You're sister

You're cousin.. oh wait…. You're father dated her

Clarabelle

Britney

Jamie

I know you're listening to me young man! You better pick up this phone before you come over here and I kick you're spiny, little horny as—"

Message Machine ran out of tape!

_The Chronicles Shall continue!!!!_

Jaz: So anyway, how do you like it? Funny isn't it? Sorta short and stupid… but come on! It was worth it!

See ya!!


	5. Santa's Lap

Jaz: heya guys! Thanx so much for the wonderful reviews! XD Sorry to keep ya waitin'! And due to you're kindness and generosity… I give you.. Roy's email address!

**flamealchemist(underscore)Mustang(at)kaxy(dot)com**

Roy: Don't worry, ladies. I accept dates as well. (winks, teeth shines)

Jaz: o-o;; Ooooookaaay…. Last and not least, here's a new rule to my story! Any reviewer or author… (I don't care if its anonymous) can request to be in my story! Yaaay! Meaning, you can huggle Roy-sama….. or piss of Ed cause he's short….. or steal Al's kittens! The more detail you give me… the more chance you get to be in my story! .

Oh ya! One more thing. This chapter is really stupid and weird! Okay. Ciao

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Social Life Sucks

Chapter 5: On Santa's Lap

It was that time of the year, the holidays. Ed and Al's mother were taking the two 3-4 year olds to the mall to sit on Santa's Lap. It was an 'Elric Family Tradition' for young children to sit on Santa's lap.

After waiting a long time in the line, they finally made it to Santa and his over-decorated chair.

"Hello, Santa. This is Alphonse.." Introduced the mother. She shook Al's hand lightly. "Say hello to Santa, Al." She said softly.

Al shyly and slowly went over and crawled up on Santa's lap.

"HO HO HO! What do YOU want for Christmas, Alphonse?" Said jolly ol' Saint Nick.

"Waaaaaaaaaah!" Al started to cry.

The mother was trying to figure out what to do. Santa started jumping him up and down on his knee. "Janet! Give him a candy cane!" Santa whispered to his 'Elf.'

"We're fresh out of them, sir…" She said.

"Then give him one of you're cigarettes or something!" Santa said frantically trying to calm little Al down.

Janet shrugged. She dug into her pocket and gave Al a cigar. Immediately, Al stopped crying and grew a smile. He went over to his mother and started playing with it.

Finally, little Ed jumped up on Santa's lap.

"Oof! Ho ho ho! You sure are getting heavy!" Saint Nick said trying to pry Ed off. "What's you're name little boy? And tell me what you want for Christmas."

"My name is Ed… and what I want for Christmas is for my dad to die of a heart attack and burn in hell.." Ed said coldly.

Santa scratched his head. "Well, son, you can't wish for that. It's not a very nice thing… Don't make me put you on the Naughty list…"

"Whatever. Everyone knows you're not the real Santa!" Ed pulled out his fake beard. Everyone gasped at the revealed identity.

"M- Michael Jackson?" Ed said dumbfounded.

"Hello, Ed! Let's go to Never Never Land!" Michael Jackson said.

Everyone grimaced except this one person somewhere in the crowd. "YAAAAY!"

"NO!" Ed yelled.

"Can I at least touch you?" Michael asked.

"NO!" Ed yelled.

"Can't I touch you're hair?" Michael added.

"NO!" Ed snapped again.

"You're butt?" Michael asked again.

"NO!" Ed screeched.

"Not even you're balls?" Michael added.

"GOD NO!" Ed screamed.

Ed and Al's mother took a shotgun and shot Michael Jackson's head off. "NO ONE MOLESTS MY SON!"

"Mmmm… tomato soup…" Al licked his lips.

XXXXXXXX

I'm sorry if it's short. I thought of it and I thought it would be really funny. And I didn't mean to offend Michael Jackson fans (even though why such ppl would want to be his fan). Also, please email Roy! He gets very lonely in office! Here's his email again!

**flamealchemist(underscore)Mustang(at)kaxy(dot)com**

And I would very much appreciate it if you can give me some really good ideas! Please RnR!


	6. Who with Who

Ok ok…. This one is going to be REALLY weird. This is also my Valentines Day episode to you guys…. Sorry of its so late….

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Social Life Sucks

Chapter 6: Who w/ who?

It was 12 Midnight, and Hawkeye was finishing up reading her paperwork. "There.. all done…" She said to herself. She finally caught a piece of paperwork she forgot to turn into Mustang. "I'd minus well turn this in while I'm at it…"

XXXXXXXXX

Hawkeye walked down the hall heading slowly towards Mustang's office. "Colonel Mustang…." She said knocking on his office door. No reply. "Colonel Mustang! Are you in there?" She knocked harder with a louder tone. Still no reply.

Hawkeye put her ear against the door. She heard moanings and groanings inside the office. "Oh, Colonel.. you're so naughty…"

Hawkeye's eyes widened. She kicked down the office door and took out her gun. "Colonel Mustang, are you alri?"

"AGH!" Mustang nearly fell of his chair and a young woman hastily tried to button-up her blouse.

"Geez, 1st Lieteniant! Can't you at least give me a moment of privacy here!" Roy yelled with his uniform halfway unbuttoned and lip marks allover his face.

Hawkeye gaped. "Colonel! What's the meaning of this!"

The young girl and Mustang exchanged looks not knowing what to say.

"I thought you were going to do it with me! After all we've been through!" Hawkeye cried.

Mustang scratched his head.

"Roy-poo… who is this?" Said the young woman primping her hair.

Mustang stammered. "U-uhm… she's…."

"HIS GIRLFRIEND.." Hawkeye said in a loud tone.

"Reina… how about you go out for a walk for a while?" Mustang asked.

Reina frowned. "In the middle of the night.. LIKE THIS?"

Mustang scratched his head.

Hawkeye grabbed Mustang's collar. "Look, if you're going to make out with someone… at least do it with ME!"

Reina pushed Riza aside. "Nuh-uh! I had him first! The gorgeous hunk-a-licious Colonel is MINE!"

Riza and Reina started bickering and fighting.

"Ladies, ladies," Roy said trying to be persuasive. "How about you two do it WITH me at the same time?"

Riza stared at Roy. "What size is you're bed?"

"Uuuh… Twin?"

"TWIN BEDS ONLY FIT TWO PEOPLE SO I GET TO DO IT WITH HIM FIRST!" Reina spat.

"You already had you're turn!"

Havoc, Feury, Breda, and Farman came in except Farman bumped into the doorframe because . "Is something the matter sirs?" Havoc asked.

Mustang shrugged lazily. "They're arguing to see who does it with me first…"

Havoc muttered stuff that little kids shouldn't hear. Fuery separated the two bickering women. "Okay. Okay. I'll ask you some questions and if you answer them right.. then you get to do it with Mustang… First question: Who likes dogs?"

"I DO!" they both said in the same time.

"Hmm… tiebreaker…. Okay… We'll do ABC order…"

"HA! My name is Reina with an 'E' for the second letter and you have an 'I' for a second letter meaning I get to do it with Mustang first!"

"LYER!"

The two women continued to bicker.

Breda crossed his arms. "There's only one person who can solve this…." He darted his eyes over to Feury which startled him. "Fuhrer…"

"Aaw, come on! What does Fuhrer know about women?" Havoc spat.

Breda pointed to his eye. "It's the eye patch. Girls dig pirates…"

"ooh.." said Havoc and Feury in unison.

Breda ripped off his uniform which revealed a cheap Superman costume. "TO THE ELEVATOR! AWWWAAAAYYY!" He ran out the office with everyone else following him shortly after, except Farman who just ran into the wall.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Shortly after, everyone was cramped in the small elevator with cheap elevator music, everyone not saying a word.

SILENCE.

"I feel horny…" Havoc randomly commented.

"Don't we all?" Mustang retorted.

"So that's the feeling I get when I stare at Havoc…" Feury said.

Everyone became silent again.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Bradley was sitting in his big-spinny chair petting his furry white cat. "Yees….. we are eeeviiilll…. Eeeeevvviiilll… Muahahaha!"

"Uhm.. Fuhrer…"

Bradley turned around to see Mustang and the gang. "What do you want?" Bradley spat petting his feline of evilness.

"We all feel horny and we want to do 'something'…." Havoc answered.

"yes, yes…" Bradley said. "But you must give me…." Bradley put his pinky on his lip. "One meeeeeeeelion dollars!"

Everyone remained silent. "Damnit… and I was sure I'd look evil doing that…" Bradley muttered. He turned his attentions back to Mustang and his groupies. "Okay, okay. Mustang does it with Hawkeye (for the viewers sake), Havoc does it with Hawkeye…" Bradley turned to Breda and Feury. "Are you okay with each other?"

Breda and Feury exchanged looks and shrugged. "Yeah.. we're okay with it…"

And since Reina stormed out and Farman was too busy trying to feel his way out of Mustang's office… Everyone lived happily ever after! The end.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

That was really stupid…. The part with the elevator was from the movie 'Along Came Polly.' A reviewer also said that I got the Message machines from an FF7 fic. Yes, I did. Sorry if I forgot to credit the author of that fic… ;;; Anyway, that's my late-Valentines fic for you! RnR


	7. Roy's Kidnapped

Social Life Sucks

Chapter 7: Roy's Kidnapped!

It was a boring quiet day in Office. Mustang was sitting all alone in his office doing paperwork. He sighed and read one of his paperwork. "Let aliens take over the world…" He signed the form.

All of the sudden, a phone booth appeared out of nowhere and two guys walked out of it. "Dude! Whazzup!" They said.

Mustang stared at them.

The blonde guy whispered in the black haired dude. "Dude, he's Chinese.. he doesn't speak English.."

The black haired guy nodded. "oooh.." he turned to Roy and stretched his eyes to make it look Chinese. "Wong chong chong ching ping hwaaa King Kong Chopsticks Sushi BANZAI!"

Roy frowned. "Is this suppose to be funny? Who are you guys anyway?"

The blonde guy hit the black-haired guy. "Dude! I told you he wasn't Chinese!"

"Oh.."

"Hello Chinese English-speaking person! I am Ted and this is Bill!"

Bill did a stupid laugh. "We're Bill and Ted!" The two did the stupid pretend electric guitar thing with the sound effects.

Roy frowned. "I'm Colonel Roy Mustang… and it seems for some mysterious reason.. you have trespassed into the Military Headquarters…"

Ted gasped. "Bill, do you know who he is?"

Bill gasped also. "HE'S THE GUY WHO INVENTED THE MUSTANGS!"

Ted smacked Bill. "No, stupid! He's the Colonel! You know… KFC!" (I must credit that to FMA's fic 'Random Tales')

Bill nodded. "Oh yeah.." he turned to Mustang. "Sorry, dude, but we have to take you so you can help us on our History report…"

"What?"

Then, Bill and Ted shot him with a tranquilizer gun and stuffed him in the phone booth with other historical figures like Mulan, Aladdin, Cinderella, and other people… Then, they disappeared in a flash of light.

XXXXXXXXXXXX

The next week, everybody was hanging out in Mustang's office unaware of his disappearance.

"You know guys… I feel like we're missing something…" Ed said.

"A STRIPPER!" Havoc exclaimed.

"There will be no strippers in this office, HAVOC!" Hawkeye scolded.

Everyone else snapped their fingers. "Drats.."

All of the sudden, Jaz the authoress rushed in the room and quickly shut the door with mobs of people banging on it. "Help me!" She wheezed.

"What's wrong?' Ed said concerned.

"I wrote Roy out of this fic and now all these FMA fangirl and boys are chasing me!" Jaz cried trying to keep the door shut.

"So, that's what was missing!" Breda exclaimed.

All of the sudden, all the fan people broke down the door Jaz was trying to hold up. The leader of the fan people, Avry, yelled, "CHAAAAAAAARRGGGGGEEEEEE!" And they all charged at everyone squishing them like pancakes…. Mmmmm…. Pancakes…..

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Okay. It wasn't THAT funny… but I sort of got the idea from watching that movie, Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure. That movie was funny in a stupid way! Okay, BYE!


	8. Sexy Metal

Tee hee.. sry if I took so long! I had to do 5 other fics! Meeehhh! BTW, I got this from a tv commercial!

Anyway, please rate this story from 1 – 10!

Lastly, if you want to be in the story or want to give me some cool ideas… then please review me letting me know:D

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Social Life Sucks

Chapter 8: Sexy Metal

Finally, for the past month was nothing but working in peace and quiet. Mustang was returned safe and soundly, Jaz had a little stitches remained here and there, and everyone's insanity level was down.. well.. until now of course.

"Sir, I have a parcel for you.." Hawkeye handed Roy a package.

To: Chinese English KFC Colonel Guy 

**From: Bill and Ted**

Roy sighed. "What now?" Roy opened up the parcel to take out a couple of die. "Why this?" he then turned to the label which clearly said Made In China. 

"oh.."

Havoc bursted through the door. "Who wants coooke?" He sung holding up cans of coca cola.

"MINE!" Hawkeye leaped at Havoc taking the Coca Cola cans then ran over to a nearby dark corner.

"Heeey! WHAT WAS THAT FOR?"

"Prreeecciooouuss…." Hawkeye stroked the metal cans.

Havoc raised a brow. "huh?"

"Well, if Hawkeye has gone crazy…." Roy stated. "THEN WHAT'S THE POINT WITH ALL THIS PAPERWORK! WOO HOO!" He stripped off his jacket and shirt together and jumped off his desk, swinging his shirts around and around overhead.

Then, Fuery came in. "What's going on?"

"Mustang has gone wack-o and Hawkeye is molesting my cans of coke…"Havoc replied.

"eew…"

Then, Edward came in. "Hey guys! Guess what? In the Teen People magazine, it clearly states that _I'm _the sexiest bishy EVER!" Ed boasted. He soon realized no one was paying attanetion to him because Mustang was on his desk acting weird, Hawkeye was molesting cans of sodas, and Havoc and Fuery just stared at her.

"eerg… never mind…"

All of the sudden, Hawkeye leaped at Ed hugging his metal arm.

"HEY! LET GO!"

"Prreeecciiooouusss…"

All of the sudden, the ground started shaking. Havoc and Fuery screeched like little girls. "EARTHQUAKE!" The jumped out the 3-story window taking shirtless- colonel along with him, leaving Hawkeye and Ed alone.

"OH NO! THIS CAN'T BEEEEE!"

Mobs of raging fan girls started mobbing poor Edward, and seconds later took off taking his auto mail arm and leg with him.

Ed sighed helplessly on the floor of the ruined office. "I wonder what's causing this anyway…"

XXXXXXXXXXXXX

Aunt Panaka was in the shower shaving her arm pits. "Crap! This is a piece of crap! Who ever made this shaver was nothing but an old ninny!" Panaka threw it in the recycling bin.

BUY AXEL THE SHAVER NOW! 

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Muahahaha… that was funny… I got that idea from a Shaving Commercial on Adult swim. It made me go, "What the heck?" Anyway, please RnR!


	9. Roy's Fanmail

Muahaha… I sneaked into Roy's email and came up with this!

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Social Life Sucks

Chapter 9: Roy's Fan Mail

"Ladies and gentlemen! My name is Roy Mustang; AKA: Flame Alchemist! If you didn't know that, then you're a (censor)!" Roy greeted in front of the camera. "Today, I will be sharing my fan mail from all those lovely fan people!"

Roy takes out a letter. "Here's one and it says:

_Dear Roy,_

_I know you may get this often, but what kind of boxers do you wear?"_

Roy laughed. "Well, that's a good question! You see, to tell you the truth…, I don't wear any boxers at all! In a matter of fact, I'm not wearing anything under my pants! Maybe now and then if I feel horny, I'd put on a thong… but mainly… I don't wear anything!"

Roy took out another letter. "Here's another one and it says:

_Dear Roy,_

_Are you a cowboy?_

_Are you gay?_

_Do you really like Hughes?_

_If you do, have you ever licked him before?_

_Bla bla bla bla bla bla_

_Will you marry me?_

_Bla bla bla bla bla bla_

_Skadjgfkjsdhfkjashlkdjhlakjshdaksjdh."_

Roy paused. "Hmmm…. Lemme think…" He thought. "YES! All those questions are YES! I AM GAY! I REALLY DO LIKE HUGHES! And yes, I have licked him before and he tasted like a lollipop… except hairier!"

Hughes peeked in the camera screen. "I'll be waiting for you Colonel-poo!"

Roy waved back to him. "Yup, life is great!"

All of the sudden, the real Roy entered his office with his coffee and donuts. He turned to Greed who was the camera man and he turned to his imposter at his desk.

Roy frowned. "ENVY!"

Fake-Roy turned back to his original self, Envy. "OH (censor)!"

Roy started chasing Envy around the room. "ARE YOU LOOKING AT MY FANMAIL AGAIN? IF YOU ARE, I SWEAR TO GOD I'LL RIP OFF YOUR PALM TREE HEAD!"

Afetr a while, Roy finally kicked Envy and Greed out. "GOOD RIDDENS!" He then turned down at his leg seeing Hughes embracing it shaking up and down.

Roy grimaced.

"HUGHES! GET OOOFFF!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Hehehe.. I think this is the funniest one so far…

Also, I wasn't aiming for a Roy x Hughes relationship… sorry Yiao fans…. Speaking of Roy, I hope I'm not focusing on him too much!

Also, that was actual fan mail except I forgot what they wrote so I just typed in what I remembered! ;

Anyway, please give me some more ideas or request yourself in the story by reviewing me! REVIEWS COUNT! RnR!


	10. Family Therapy

Hehehe.. I got this idea from Austin Powers…..

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Social Life Sucks

Chappy 10: Family Therapy

One day, Hoenheim and Ed went to Family Therapy together to clear out their differences.

"Hello, Mr. Elrics. My name is Maria (No.. not Maria Ross)!" Said the therapist. "Everyone, how about we give our two new guests a happy family warm welcome?"

"Hello, Mr. Elrics…" said the other clients in unison.

Everyone was seated in a circle in a room filled with paintings of flowers and happy stuff.

The therapist looked at her clipboard for a second. "Mr. Edward Elric, it says you have a grudge against your father…"

"Yea.." Edward mumbled. "I feel like killing him right now…."

Hoenheim sobbed. Everyone awed.

"I'm sorry, Edward. It's not very nice to say to 'kill' someone. We all say that but we don't actually literally want to kill them.." Maria stated. Everyone else agreed.

"YOU DON'T GET IT! HE LEFT ME AND MY BROTHER AND MY MOM ALONE!" Ed screamed.

Maria scratched her head. "Uhm… how about we talk about something else for a change… Tell me, Edward, what is it that you wanted to be other than a State Alchemist?"

Edward paused. "Well, I always wanted to help people so maybe I'll be a fireman, someday.."

"An evil fireman?" Hoenheim suggested.

"NO!" Ed snapped. "Hmmm.. maybe a police man…"

"An evil police man?"

"SEE? HE ALWAYS DOES THAT!"

Maria smiled a very scary creepy smile. "Ed, I know what you need, you need some love. How about you hug your father?"

"What?"

Hoenheim spread his arms out. "Come on, son, give me a BIIIIIIIIIGGG hug…"

"No."

"Please?"

"No!"

"Come on, Ed, you're one of my bestest friend slash son ever!"

Ed stared at Hoenheim and would've sworn he saw Michael Jackson. "AAAAAHH! NOO MICHAEL! NOOOOO!" Ed scrammed out the door.

Maria took out a walkie-talkie. "WE GOT OURSELVES A RUNNER!"

Then, the secret police forces crashed through the windows and restrained Ed from running out.

"WHAT? LET ME GOOO!" Ed screamed struggling.

The officer tried to calm Ed down. "Settle down, _little guy_.."

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SMALL?" Ed kicked the officer in the groin and ran out. "YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME ALIVE! AHAHAHAHA!"

Hoenheim wiped a tear from his eye. "He takes after his father…"

Maria rolled her eyes. "Retards…"

The retards- I mean clients retorted. "WE'RE NOT RETARDED! We're just _special_!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Oo-kayy.. got a little crazy at the end… but I like last chapter better.

Anyway, RnR.. bla bla bla same crap.


	11. EGAY Fanatic

Hey guys, sorry if it took me forever to write this! My internet broke down.. so I've been pretty bored and depressed at the same time. Anyway, this is a really unfunny chapter. My mom lately has been hoggin the computer, usin EBAY. EBAY is cool cause you can buy FMA stuff… but it sucks cause it makes you hog the comp too much. So, hope you enjpy. Lastly, if you want to be in the story, or give me ideas; LEMME KNOWW!

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Social Life Sucks

Chapter 11: EGAY Fanatic

One day, Winry decided to visit the Hughes' residence. Before she could knock on the door, the door creaked open. "Uhm, hello?" She called out.

"Oh, sorry, Winry! I was just on my computer!" called out Gracia from the other room.

Winry wondered in the other room to see Gracia on her computer. "What are you doing?"

"I'm sorry. I was on EGAY… I was winning at an auction."

"What's EGAY?"

Gracia gasped. "You have NEVER heard of EGAY?"

Winry shook her head sadly.

"Well, come over here, dear, and I'll show you."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Ed peeked his head in the Hughes' humble abode. "Winry? Winry?"

It's been a week since he last seen Winry; along with all her other peers.

"Winry!" he called out again a little louder.

Al peeked in as well. "Is she in here?"

"No, not sure. Let's search the place just in case."

So, Ed and Al searched high and low for Winry until they came upon her at the computer with her face glued onto the screen.

"Winry! There you are! We've been worried about you!" Al cried happily.

Winry made no comment and continued typing.

Ed tapped her shoulder. "Uhm, Winry?"

"E…..GAY…." She croaked in a hypnotic state.

Ed and Al exchanged looks.

"It's just as I thought…"

The Elrics turned to a shadowy dark figure standing in a shadowy dark corner alarmed. "WHO'S THERE!"

Roy walked out of the shadows. "It's just me, Circus Freaks."

Al sweat dropped and Ed growled. "WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY?"

"Oops. My bad. I meant, Stupid Blonde Circus Freaks…" Roy said playfully.

Ed steamed.

"Anyway, it seems Rockbell has been hypnotized and mind-controlled by EGAY; the evil website that's so addicting… it's evil…" Roy said.

"Wait, Colonel, how is addiction evil?" Al asked.

Roy shrugged. "I dunno…. think of Cheetos, for example…"

"WE SHALL SAVE WINRY!"

"Must…….. hold…….. auction…" Winry said. She then took a digital camera and took a picture of Al.

"HEYY! My loin cloth wasn't on!" Al cried.

All of the sudden, the UPS came and dragged Al out the door. "BRROOOOOOOTTHHEEERRR! HEEEELLLPPP!" He cried.

"AALLL!"

"It's just as I thought…. Winry is selling auctions faster as ever." Roy informed. "Be careful Full Metal, make sure Rockbell doesn't take a picture of—"

"COLONEL BAAASSSTTTAAAAAARRRDDD!" Before Roy could know it, Ed was dragging out the door by the UPS.

"—you.." Roy finished.

"Say cheese!"

"Wuh?"

_Flash!_

Winry already took a picture of Mustang and uploaded it onto her EGAY account auction.

Then, suddenly, the UPS barged in again and took Mustang away. "NOOOOOOoooOOOooOOOOoOOoo!"

And Winry was never seen away from the computer again.

But the question was…. What happened to the trio?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Jaz sighed at her computer typing endlessly, completing another one of her chapters.

"JAZZY! Look what I got for you on EGAY!" her mom chirped loudly as she came in her room pushing giant boxes.

Jaz's eyes widened. "WOW MOM! What DID you get me?"

"Another one of those Full Metal Alchemist toys I thought you'd like!"

Jaz smiled and started opening the giant parcel. "OH BOY!"

After seconds of ripping the parcel to shreds, she soon found out what her mom got her on EGAY.

"Mom…. You are the coolest mom ever……"

She then saw Ed, Al, and Roy tied up together and grew an evil mischievous smile.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Hehehehhee.. I'm so evil. BTW… EGAY is the gay EBAY and EBAY is the good EBAY.

Did you get that? Heh. My neither.


	12. Scar's Church Service

Muahhaa….. I have returned…. With more INSANITY!

(WARNING – this chapter may offend pious Christians even though I am Christian/Catholic myself)

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Social Life Sucks

Chapter 12: Scar's Church Service

"Here we are!" chirped Fuery.

"A church service?" Roy said looking at the towering church tower.

"It's Sunday so yeah…"

"Isn't it Thursday?" Ed asked.

Roy sighed. "What a waist of my time…"

"YOU SHOULD SPEND THIS TIME WISELY BECAUSE AT LEAST I DIDN'T KILL MOBS OF ISHBALLIANS 5 YEARS AGO!"

"You're right. I'm condemned. Let's go."

So, Ed, Roy, and Fuery walked in the church. Farman followed but he ran into a wall and the cross on top of the church fell on him and made him go unconscious.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"WELCOME TO MY CHURCH SERVICE!"

Ed, Fuery, and Roy's eyes widened. "You've got to be kidding…"

"I AM FATHER SCAR OF THE CHURCH TODAY!" Scar announced briefly. "In today's service, we'll be talking about me and my brother."

Everyone rolled their eyes.

"It was a normal day… me and my brother were acting normally casual in a normal day because it was normal—"

"YOU SUCK!"

Scar exploded the guy's head who made that rude comment. Everyone remained silent.

"Anyway, as I was saying…"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Jiggly-puff.. jiggly puff…" Jigglypuff sang to the only judges of American Idol, Scar and his bigger brother who fell asleep.

"JIGGLY!" Jigglypuff took out a marker and drew and scribbled stuff on Scar and his brother.

Meanwhile, while they woke up, the two brothers noticed tattoos on their bodies. Scar had a tattoo on his arm and his brother had a tattoo on his body. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"WHAT A BUNCH OF BULL CRAP! THAT'S NOT HOW YOU GOT THAT TATTOO! POKEMON AREN'T EVEN REAL!" Ed retorted.

Scar raised a brow under his shades. "Are you suuuuure?" He took out a pokeball and threw it at Ed's head. The pokeball summoned a pokemon named Pee-peechu.

"PEE PEE CHU!" it squeaked.

"PEE-PEE CHU! PEE PEE ON ED NOW!" Scar demanded.

"PEE….. PEE….. CHUUUUU!" As it grunted out constipated screams, Pee-Peechu started peeing on Ed.

"ACK! It's getting allover my shiny pants!" Ed whined. Then, pee-Peechu's pee started melting through Ed's automail leg. "ACK! ITS PEE PEE IS EATING THROUGH MY LEGS! NIOOOOOOOOO! I'M MEEEEELTING!" After a while, Ed turned into nothing but goo.

"We're going to die…" Roy whispered in Feury's ear. Feury gulped.

Then, Father Scar put on a pokemon cap on his head; backwards. "I'M A POKEMON MASTER!"

Then, from out of nowhere, Roze the nun tapped on Scar's shoulder. "Sir…. the service?"

Scar took off his cap. "Oh, right."

"HEY LOOK! IT'S THAT IGNORANT SLUT, ROZE!" Ed cried out loud pointing rudely to Roze.

Roy looked at Ed. "Hey, I thought you were a pile of melted goo."

Ed smiled brightly. "IT'S ONLY TEMPORARILY!"

"PEE….. PEE….. CHUUUUU!" As it grunted out constipated screams, Pee-Peechu started peeing on Ed; again.

"NOOOO! NOT AGAIN!" Ed melted into a pile of goo.

Roy chuckled. "hehehehehhe…."

All of the sudden, Father Cornello jumped out of a coffin with a gattling gun shooting everyone rapidly. "DIIIIIIE MY CHILDREN! DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEE!"

Then, everyone died because they bled to death. And then, attracted to this blood, big foot and sasquatch come in the church.

"YO YO YO! WHUZZAH HOMIES!" Big Foot said as he had a Bling-Bling around his neck.

"Like, WORD!" Sasquatch said as well.

Then, Big Foot and Sasquatch got into a fight with Father Cornello and Scar.

Scar used Pee-peechu against them, but big foot gave pee pee chu a taste of his own lemonade, so it fainted and Scar whited out.

Then, Sasquatch ate Roze because she's a stupid whore. Father Cornello killed big Foot with his big-ass gattling gun. Wanting to avenge his long-lost cousin, Sasquatch gets pissed off at Cornello and spits out Roze and shoves her up his ass. Due to Cornello's bladder disorder, Cornello and Roze dies in his ass.

Then the whole town gets pissed off at the church for allowing priests to have women shoved up their butts. But, Envy saved them from their anger and said, "HEY GUYS! LET'S GO EXPLODE SOME BIRDS!"

"YEAH!"

So, everyone exploded some dead birds. Some did it with alchemy. Some used magic. Some used freakishly mutated powers. Some even used forks.

Then, the ocean turned into cheese and the earth was dominated by cows. Then the planet went on fire and everyone died.

AND THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER. THE END.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

o.. ahha… that was so stupid. I got the jigglypuff part from a fan art from fullmetalalchemist dot com site.

Anyway, if u guys have seen the 1st-2nd episode of Full Metal Alchemist, u notice Cornello uses a gattling gun. I thought that was funny. Me and my brother laughed. Didn't you think that was funny, too?

Oh, well…. RnR


	13. Shower Madness

Yes Ed-fan girls. Ed in da shower! XD

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Social Life Sucks

Chapter 13: Shower Madness

"Aaaaaahhh…"

The steaming hot shower poured on Ed's face and into his shiny smooth blond hair. He gracefully flipped his hair as it's shininess blinded your eyes.

"Ooooh yeeeaaahh.."

Ed continued to sexily flip his hair in slow-motion.

"Yeah…. Loreal…"

"Uuuh… Ed?" Roy opened the shower curtain to see Ed in the shower.

"OH MYGOD, MUSTANG! Have you ever heard of privacy?" Ed screeched.

"You're wearing pants……. In the shower…"

Ed looked down seeing that he was wearing pants as he was in the shower. "Oh."

"Uhmm….. what are you doing in my shower?" Roy asked staring at Ed. "And why are you using my shampoo?"

Ed darted his eyes nervously. "OH CRAP! YOU KNOW TOO MUCH!" he quickly snatched a bottle of conditioner and rubbed it in his head. "HA HA! TAKE THAT!"

"Uhm.. Ed.. I suggest for you to take that conditioner off ASAP…"

"AHAHAHAHA! OR WHAT?"

"Or that…"

Ed looked up at his hair as it started smoking. He sniffed it. "That smell…." He gasped. "OMG! YOUR CONDITIONER HAS MILK! AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" His hair caught on fire.

"DON'T WORRY, ED! I'LL SAVE YOU!" Roy took out his gloves and snapped his fingers making his hair more on fire. "Oh…"

"AAAAAAAAGH! MILK! IM BURNING! BUURNING! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Ed ran through the wall and ran outside insanely.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Oooohh… yeah baby…" CRA said as she looked through the binoculars.

Jaz cringed. "Uhm…. CRA….. I suggest you should put those down…"

"SHUT UP! I'm closing in on Ed's chest…" CRA drooled as she looked through the binoculars.

"CRA!"

"WHAT?" CRA looked up to see Ed running around insanely with his hair caught on fire. "IIIIII'MMMM BUURNING!"

"ED!" CRA body slammed Ed who made a big SPLAT and his goo went everywhere.

Jaz sighed. "Poor Ed…"

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

After Roy finally fixed his bathroom wall, he got in the shower as well. "Lalala…." He hummed. He then took out the herbal Essences Shampoo and started rubbing it in his scalp. "Oooh yeah BABY! More! Mooore! Oooh yeeaaahh!" Roy started groaning and moaning as he rubbed the Herbal Essences shampoo in his scalp.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Feury walked in Roy's house. "Sir? S-sir are you here?"

Hughes peeked in cautiously. "IS he here?"

"No."

"DARNIT ROY! THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT MEETING!"

The two soldiers heard Roy moaning and groaning in the bathroom, slightly filtered from the noise of the shower. "Oooh yeah! Mooore! MOOOORREE!"

Feury barfed.

"THAT'S THE SPIRIT ROY!" Hughes cheered through the bathroom door.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

A bit stupid, I know. CRA (AKA: Ciara) from my school were talking about this and so I finally got it down on MS WORD.

Also, if you are familiar with the Herbal Essences Commercial.. you'll get why Roy was moaning and stuff. :D Anyway, RnR


	14. Spill a Drink

We were at Denny's and my little cousin spilled a drink and made up a song, "I Believe I can Spill a Drink." It's like "I Believe I can Fly" by R. Kelly.. but it's different.. cause it's about spilling drinks... O.o; And this is what I thought of.

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Delusional

Chapter 14: Spill a Drink

Roy Mustang was obediently doing his paperwork with Hawkeye intently watching him.

He sighed to himself. _This is boring.. I have to do something that is a little more exciting... _He then smirked to himself.

Hawkeye still watched him.

Roy reached out for his coffee and it fell on the floor and it spilled on the carpet.

"Let me get that, sir..." She said grabbing a towel and about to clean up the mess.

"No, let me tell _you _something!" Roy stood on his desk and grabbed a microphone.

A disco ball began to light up the room and some soft music was playing.

"Uhm.. sir?" Hawkeye looked at Roy curiously.

"_See my arms were really really long,_

_this was before I even made up this song_

_then I knocked an empty glass down_

_then it fell and broke when it had reached the ground,"_

Roy began to sing the mocking version of R. Kelly's I believe I can fly.

Hawkeye watched.

"_Everyone has seen it_

_'I didn't do it!'_

_Then I went to thinking_

_and thought it through it..._'

Roy sang the chorus.

"_I believe I can spill_

_I believe I can spill a drink_

_It may be Pepsi or some Diet Coke_

_Doesn't matter but it's awfully soaked._

_I believe I can spill_

_As long as I don't have to pay the bill_

_I believe I can spill_

_I believe I can spill_

_I believe I can spill._"

Mustang's followers began to join when Roy began to sing the bridge.

"_Cause I can spill a drink..._

_oooh yeaaahhh_

_If I can spill it..._

_Then I can do it.._

_First I must relieve it_

_Then I'll get through it,_"

They sang the last chorus.

"_I believe I can spill..._

_I believe I can spill a drink_

_It maybe Fanta or some Pepsi_

_Hope my mom doesn't catch me_

_I believe I can spill_

_I believe I can spill a drink_

_I believe I can spill_

_I BELIEVE, BABY!_

_I believe I can spiiiiiiilllllllllllllllllllllllllllll_

_(Spill! Spill! SPIIIILLLL!)_"

They all ended it with some wacky pose.

Hawkeye shot them all and stole Roy's condoms as her little niece's birthday balloons since she couldn't afford any.

Then it ended with Envy. "Thank you for watching the Twilight Zone..."

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Sorry... this was very stupid. I should've done better.


	15. VooDoo Victim

Dedicated to my friend Ciara since she got pissed off at me for giving her a bad part on Shower Madness.

I also added Reina Final Fantasys Child in here. She will be really happy with her part.

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Social Life Sucks

Chapter 15: Voo-Doo Victim

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

One day, Jaz was invited to her friend, Ciara's, slumber party at her house.

"Alright, girls, time to open presents!" Ciara's mother said yelling from downstairs.

All of her friends rushed down stairs with their presents for her and gathered in the guest room.

One by one, dear Ciara got nothing but makeup, lotion, and underwear. That's until she opened Jaz's gift.

The Birthday girl reached into the box and pulled out the box. But not just no ordinary box.

Her eyes widened.

She beamed.

Finally, she laughed - laughed so hard, the house could come down.. literally. "OH MY GOD! YOU GOT ME A ROY MUSTANG COLLECTABLE ACTION FIGURE!"

Jaz smirked. "Yup, I got it at Hot Topic while we were at Vegas!" she said proudly.

Quickly, and eagerly, she opened the box taking the Roy doll out, hugging it, purring softly, and stroking it.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

At that same moment except with the real Roy...

"Man... I hate paperwork... why is it that we're always doing paperwork?" The Colonel complained.

"JESUS CHRIST WE'RE IN THOSE FANFICTION! RUUN RUUUUUUNN!" Fuery peed in his pants and ran out of the office screaming and running down the hall. That's until he came across Hello Kitty who kicked his ass and bit his winky off. Fuery sadly, yet painfully and unrealistically, died.

"O-kay..." Havoc said breaking the freakishly long silence.

All of the sudden, Roy got up from his chair and walked over to Havoc. There he started to lean on him.

"Sir, why are you leaning on me?" Havoc said grimacing.

"I-I dont know. I just did it all of the sudden..." Roy said just as shocked and confused as Havoc.

Poor Falman, he didn't know what was going on cause he was blind like Brock on Pokemon.

All of the sudden, Hawkeye walked in and everyone stared at each other. Well... errr... except Falman.

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"MY MOM HAS A HAIRY BUTT!" Falman randomly yelled out.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

While Ciara was having a stroking episode with her new... toy... Jaz interrupted the scene. "YOINK!" she said easily snatching the toy.

Ciara kept stroking it. 3 minutes later, after realizing her toy wasn't in her possession anymore, she was stroking to what appears to be nothing. She looked around.

"Stroke me! Stroke me more!" demanded a voice.

"Who said that?" Ciara snapped.

"Some people use me to make water. Other call me a gas. But you can call me AIR!"

"..."

"Fine, but the next time you breathe me, I hope you die! Besides I'm everywhere you know- I'll be watching you NO-MATTER-WHAT! So the next time you take a shower, _you're not alone_... MUAHAHAHAHAH!" The voice faded out.

Ciara shrugged. She looked left. She looked right. She looked up and down, around the town, Under her ass, and in her pants. Still, no sign of Roy. She panicked, that's until she saw Jaz examining it.

"Wow, this is such a detailed 3D example of Roy.." Jaz muttered looking at it.

Ciara snatched it and gave Jaz a glare.

"HEY! I WANNA LOOK AT IT!" Jaz whined trying to snatch it back.

Quickly, Ciara hid it in her shirt with the figure of Roy showing up from inside the shirt. "OH HO! CAN'T GET ROY NOW!"

Jaz pouted.

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Hawkeye tried to pry Roy off of Havoc. "GEEZ! IT'S LIKE YOU'RE GLUED TO EACH OTHER!" She growled.

Finally, she got him off.

"YES! I AM FREE!" Roy shouted victoriously.

Then he did a dance.

All of the sudden, Roy's head went directly under Hawkeye's shirt.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!" Hawkeye let out a shrill scream batting on Roy's head who was under her jacket, shirt... and lingerie... "GET OUT! GET OUT GET OUT!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Roy was screaming as well.

Havoc watched in amusement. "You GO COLONEL!"

"AAAAGH! AAAAAGH! AAAAAAGH! AAAAAAGH! AAAAAGH! Hey nice jugs! AAAAGH! AAAAAGH! AAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAGH! Hey you even pierced your nipples! AAAAAGH! AAAAAAGH! AAAAAGH! AAAAAGH!" Roy continued to yell.

The struggle of Roy's Head getting out of Riza's shirt continued.

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Jaz started chasing Ciara around the house. "GET ROY OUT FROM UNDER YOUR BRA AND GIVE ME THE FREAKIN DOLL!" Jaz yelled.

"NEVER!" Ciara yelled back. Finally, she locked herself in her bedroom.

Jaz tried to open it but it was locked. "DAMNIT!" she cursed.

Ciara sat on her bed and took the Roy doll out from her shirt. She stared at it and grinned. "Now, to see how fine his ass is!" She turned the doll upside down and started looking for places.

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Roy got his head out of from Hawkeye's shirt. He took long breaths. "Wow..." He said.

Then Hawkeye punched him so hard it sent him crashing through the walls-- all the way to the Fuhrer's office.

"Uugh! MUSTANG!" Fuhrer took the pillow he was recently embracing and hid it behind his back. "U-uhm... Mustang.. what are you doing here?"

Before Mustang could answer, he bent over showing his ass towards the Fuhrer. "WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS HAPPENING?"

Fuhrer walked over to Mustang staring at his fine butt. "Yummy.." He purred, licking his lips.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

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Ciara sighed. "I can't see whether his butt is fine or not..." Reluctantly, she sat Roy on the edge of the highest shelf.

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Before the Fuhrer could 'attack', Roy ran as fast as he could. He ran up the stairs until he was on the _highest _part of the building. There, he stood on the edge of the building.

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Jaz finally pushed the door open which slammed into the wall and made Roy fall from his shelf. "AH HA! YOU DIDN'T LOCK IT AT ALL!" she said.

Ciara, unaware that the Roy doll fell from the shelf stared at Jaz.

"Well, uhm, anyway, your mom hooked up the spa. You better get into your suit..." Jaz said closing the door softly as she left.

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Roy's voice echoed as he fell of the building. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA--!"

_splat_

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Ciara took out her bathing suit from her dresser, then she turned to Roy. She grinned. She picked up the doll and started rubbing it on her butt. "Kiss it, Roy! KISS IT!"

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Roy woke up in the middle of the sidewalk. He sat up and got his vision straightened out. Then he saw Reina walking away from him. "Reina?" he said.

Reina turned her head around. "Roy?"

"Oh Rein-AAAAAAAAAHHHH!" Roy couldn't stop his legs as they ran towards her butt. There, he dug his face into her butt and began kissing, smooching, rubbing his face in it.

"OH ROY!" She giggled.

And during this public affair, crowds and crowds gathered to watch. Horny Bastards aren't they?

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"CIARA!" Her mother screamed.

"COMING!" Ciara took Roy's head out from her butt and laid it on her bed. She changed into her bathing suit and went downstairs in the backyard to the spa.

After she left, Ciara's brother slipped in the room.

"Finally, I have obtained my gun liscense. Now, to find a suitable target." Her big brother looked around the room and then spotted Roy. "Heh, this'll do."

He grabbed the Roy Doll and walked away.

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"I swear... I'm in hell... burning hell... eternally damned..." Roy whined as he walked through the empty streets in ripped clothing. "What did I do to deserve this?"

He suddenly paused. "Okay, maybe I did deserve this from killingabunchofIshablliansbackintheday, but come on, God, why did I have to suffer like this? God, you must hate me!"

Random yellow water from the sky squirted on Roy's jacket. "Oh... shiiiiii--"

Behind him, he heard the reloading of a gun. He turned around. It was Riza.

"Oh, Riza, I'm so glad you're he--"

BAM!

KA-PLUMP

The End. Or is it?

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I hope you understood what was going on. IF not, then yur gay!


	16. Tivo

Got this from Robot Chicken! Hope you guys like it!

Guest star is Aquabreeze!

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Social Life Sucks

Chapter 16: Tivo

One day, Ed and Aquabreeze were on top of each other kissing and making out for a long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long long time.

That's until Ed sat up interrupting the pleasure.

"What is it Tinny-winny?" Aquabreeze asked fixing her hair.

"I bought you a gift!"

"YAY!"

Ed dug into his pockets. "Damnit.. where is it?" He searched his left pocket, his right pocket, his cloak pockets, and even his ass pockets. "Oh crap, don't tell me I forgot it... Oh wait!" The alchemist zipped open his fly and stuck his hand in it digging for the gift.

"OOH! OOH! You're giving me your di--"

"NO! You don't want my precious manhood to be stolen... yet?"

Aquabreeze giggled.

"AH! Here it is!" Ed took out a giant box and heaven knows how it would fit in 'there.'

"OMFG! You got me Tivo!" Aquabreeze screamed. "I LOVE YOU!"

Ed smiled.

"Oh, and zip up your fly..." Aquabreeze said pointing at it. HIS IT!

Ed zipped it. THANK GOD!

ONE DAY LATER...

Ed walked in the living room. "Hey, Aqua, wanna go out and buy that mansion you wanted?"

"No... Tivo..." Aquabreeze said in a daze as her eyes were stuck on the TV as if she was hypnotized.

"Uhm.. ok.." he walked away.

A COUPLE DAYS LATER...

Aquabreeze was still addicted to her television set until a phone call came in. RING RING!

She answered it. "WHAT?" she snapped.

"CONGRATULATIONS! MY NAME IS DONALD TRUMP AND YOU'VE WON THE 'WE CALL A RANDOM PERSON AND I GIVE YOU ALL MY MONEY' SWEEPSTAKES!"

"No... tivo..." she croaked.

"Aquabreeze is that you?" Donald asked.

"T i... vo..."

"Where have you been? I haven't seen you in your 23 hr and 59 second job in like days! Aren't you planning to go back to work?"

"Y-yes..well... uhm... no... Tivo..." she mumbled.

"Well you know what? YOU'RE FIRED!" Donald hung up.

"Ti... vo..."

5 WEEKS LATER...

Ed stormed in the living room glaring at the tv rotting Aquabreeze.

"YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS IS IT! OUR RELATIONSHIP IS OVER! I'VE BEEN WAITING IN THE BEDROOM FOR WEEKS NOW AND YOU DON'T HAVE THE BALLS TO COME AND PLAY WITH ME! uuh.. wait.. you don't have any balls... WELL ANYWAY, WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY ABOUT YOURSELF?" Ed lectured.

"... Tivo."

"THAT'S IT! I SWEAR! THIS IS LIKE THE TIME WHERE WINRY WAS ADDICTED TO EGAY!" Ed stomped a foot.

All of the sudden, Winry came in and took a picture of Edward. Seconds later, the FedEx picked up Ed and threw him in a box crate that said SHIPPED TO JAZZE AL BHED GIRL.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" He cried as the FedEx dragged the crate into the van. Then they drove away and slipped on a plastic fork and it made them swerve and crash into a giant piece of cheese and they exploded and died.

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"Crap..." Jaz muttered as she frowned at her computer.

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Then Armstrong came in the house without a shirt looking sparkly. "I'LL SAVE YOU CHILD!" He frolicked towards Aquabreeze and before he could move another inch closer to her, the Tivo TV guy popped out and frowned.

You know, the TV LOGO?

It then waddled towards Armstrong and every time it took a step.. it made a DOOP sound like in the actual Tivo. Then it picked up a bat and beat the crap out of Armstrong. Then the Tivo Logo dragged Armstrong out of the room and threw some cookies at it. "DOOP DOOP DING DUM!" Which was translated to, 'Here's some f()(cking cookies!'

Afterwards, it waddled next to Tv rotting Aquabreeze and smiled which brought a tear of joy to her eye. "Tivo..." she weakly said.

Then, the Tivo Logo went back in the tv.

"GET TIVO! It'll change your life... OR ELSE!"

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I was bored. Wanted to put Aquabreeze in it. My Birthday's tomorrow. Bye.


End file.
